At the moment I am

• on the edge to get real sick, having a fever atm and I'm dizzy.




• pissed off because I can't have my own opinions anymore it seems. Well, I can but people are acting in a immature way as soon as I'm saying something.




• tired of the fact that I'm always feeling responsible because people is acting the way they are to me.




• proud over myself because I've been making my own bag from old t-shirts.




• having a motivation that is playing rollercoaster.




• kind of open for the idea to change my life and apperance.




• wearing my pyjamas.




• tired that some people are always living in the past.




• getting the urge to clean my dirty room. Vaccuming my floor. XD




• angry on the fact that people happily complain alot and then they doesn't do anything about it. Well I'm doing that at the moment now but changes will happen.




• patiently waiting for the day I can go to either Gothenburg or Stockholm. ^__^ *wink*




• a little more happy than I was before.




• happy that I've come somewhere on my future plans.




• horny on Johnny Depp ~*drool*~




• thoughtful over people who are tired over their own situation but instead of thinking of a solution, they are acting like fools.




• motivated again to do something! Maybe get well to start with. XD

Thank you for reading this crap. ^___^ Write a comment. :P

Well since it is New Years Eve today I might aswell write something about that too. All done. Bye. ;)

//Ewelina

Motivation, yes please!

I really think I've got it this time! At least a bit. ^_^

Finally I've found that small bit of motivation. I don't know where it came from or anything it just came. Like some guys I know. *lol* (bad joke, whatever) I'm going to be creative tomorrow, I'll start on my catears probably and then continue with some t-shirts I'm going to do something new with.

Any ideas?

First I'm going to write a schedule over what to do tomorrow. It's better to be prepared when I wake up tomorrow. ^___^ Damn it feels good to be a gangster! *lol* But I have to remember not to take too much weight on my shoulders, that's what's important. I can't be extraordinary with stresshoulders.

I'm proud of myself actually. I've finally succeded in telling some ppl of what I think, and what do I get back. Laughs right up my face. Assholes. I hope you're happy when you one day wake up as junkies. *angry* If you ask one thing you have to respect an honest answer. Wankers! I'm not the one who's all caught up in my ex. MOAHAHAH! Do I'd do him if that would have been possible. *lol and drool*

Now I'm going to let Jannika read this shit. I hope you'll be soooo happy. <3>

Bye you all wankers!

//Lots of Love, Ewelina

All done

I think so atleast. With the Christmas gifts that is. All I have left is a gift for dad and to send my cards. ^_^

All I can say is a Merry Cristmas to you all!


//Ewelina

Jannika, Mike, Cecilia, Natha, Alma, Linn, Sandra, Mia, Amanda, Cilla, Offa and the rest. <3 you all. *adore*

For my Prom. :)

Volleyball tournament 2006

I should be happy. We won and all. But I'm not so cheerful about it. Come to think about it, I barely touched the ball. I guess I was just a stand in so that the team would be full. Things have been feeling strange lately. I don't know why but I think I'll get over it. I can't really figure it out what's wrong. Maybe I'm just catching a cold or something.

...Yesterday, gosh. I hated that day. No particular reason. Oh, wait. That's one big fat lie... I hated it because I screwed up at my speach in Swedish. I spoked too long. One minute more than I should. :( That destoryed my whole day. I got angry at everone and I'm sorry if I bothered anyone. :(

Now I'll go to bed and sleep a little. :)

Bye bye
//Ewelina

Justice!!

I've regained justice! I'm so damn proud of myself for handeling this the right way! I talked to the teacher again today and she told me that some of the guys have confessed that they did it. ^__^ The one responsible for this only said he'd harassed me once. *lol* What an ass!

Things are now looking better and I'm happy again! Maybe it's because my friends are there to help me and cheers me up when I need them. ^_^ Espacially YOU on the photographic picture lessons. Gosh how boring those lessons are! >.<

Anyway. I'll be cutting my hair next week and I can't wait for that. It's going to be good for my hair. Poor thing. I haven't cut it for like, a year. ^_^ Been thinking about cutting it shorter on top of the head! :O That'd be cool. Like me. *lol*

Now I'll better study or at least go to bed. It's going to be a long week. I can feel it. V_V

Sleep tight everybody. Love you all. ;) <3>

//Ewelina

Time for a little Swedish! ^^

Skolanmälan?

Ja det är just det jag tänker göra om inget händer. Ja kanske inte emot skolan men emot någora personer. De ska inte få bråka med mig på detta viset!

resume: för x antal veckor sedan i matsalan en tisdag. Kebabgryta och ris, en sidorätt var stektpotatis. Det sista av potatisen blev taget av person 0 och han sneglade på mig som stod efter och skrapade upp sista biten verkligen. Visst det hade jag också gjort. Men! När mattanten kom ut frågade jag henne om det fanns någon mer potatis. ”Nej tyvärr” sa hon, visst okej det var ingen fara. MEN, MEN kära vänner det är när 0 säger åt mig ”Rätt åt dig!” Som jag tänder till. Hans kompis 00 garvar och bara flinar. ”JAG HÖRDE DET DÄR” fräser jag åt honom och hela tiden i matsalen var jag så nära att hälla mjölk på det aset men sansade mig. Veckorna efter detta på tisdagarna har jag hört ”rätt åt dig” när jag gått förbi dem osv. Fine gör det. Nu, senaste igår sa de följande ”Rätt åt dig, fan du ser ut som en clown” tidigare har jag även hört om hur ful jag var. <.<

Idag skrek de ”RÄTT ÅT DIG EMOJÄVEL, *massa oförståeligt ljud som är tydligt för testosteronkillar*” Nu har detta gått för långt! Jag tolererar mycket men nu jävlar får det vara nog! Det jag kommer göra imorgon på mattelektionen är att jag kommer ta kontakt med min mentor och berätta allt detta för honom. Gör inte skolan något för att hjälpa mig kommer jag anmäla pojkarna och jag tvekar inte att anmäla hela jävla klassen för det är alla dem som varit med när detta har hänt. Jag är inte rädd för dem. Med massvis med stöd ifrån kompisar och familj så vet jag vem som kommer få mest folk bakom sig.

POWER TO ME! THE EMOBASTARD!

Uppcon! 13-15 October

Uppcon this year were great! My debute at Uppsalakai and it was great! I fell in love with all the people who were there! Too bad my brother and I lived at a school which were situated one Swedish mile from Atrium. But it didn't really matter we had so much fun! Watching all the anime, games and buying lots of shyte! ^___^

For those of you who don't know what Uppcon is: An anime and manga convent who makes it possible for you to meet and cosplay and have a lot of fun! You can play games here and even visit the cinemas who shows anime and even asian movies! ^_^

I can't really remember every little thing we did but I remember I took a lot of pictures. *lol* And I got inspired of all the people. Some might have noticed that at school. XD

Anyway. I met Jannika, Alex and Jeager, friends from the internet. They were nice. ^__^ Though I didn't see them as much as I would've wanted to. :(

Then I met Michael from Denmark. A close friend of mine. We had a good time. He realized that I was even more perverted than he have thought. *lol* ;) He was nicer than I thought actually. =O

Then I met Frida from Finspång and Nea. They were soooo much fun. I laughed so at the Singstar contest. ^___^ They are the best really. *adore*

Mike won the Sudoku-competition. ^___^ XD

I would've wanted to participate at the karaoke on the Sunday but whatever, XD

That's all for me this time! ^___^

I met Jack Sparrow, Roxas and Axle! O.O I fell in love. <3

Run of the School. XD

Well, I know it's not called that but I love to make up new idiotic words. Anyway, I ran today, 3,8km. I'm so darn proud of myself. I only had to walk approximatley 10 metres due to my foot. I did it anyways! =D

You know that every school has these guys that ALWAYS runs and are superduper fast. Today they didn't ran because one of them were sick. Buhuhu. Like anyone cares, they could've walked instead of starting to jog and then walk. Anyway, I went over the goalline before them, and that was like way ahead before them. I'm so proud. ^__^

Tomorrow I'm going to my friend Amanda to sleep over there. We're going to be 8-10 people over there and we're goingto play Singstar and sing. *lol*

That's all for me this time. :) Bye bye!

Darn it >.<

I've got a test tomorrow. I hope I'll make it. :) I can always hope for that. ^__^ Damn it, my schedule didn't work as I was hoping. But it worked better than nothing. I've done the psychology so I'm proud. ^^

I cooked some food today for my parents. I was so proud, it's been a good day as I can see it. :)

Now I'm going out with the dog. :) Bye bye!

Ta ta!

Letting go...

I'm doing my best. I can feel it, I'm feeling so better. Thanks Alma, Nathalie and like Mike & Jannika. My little duo. *lol* You guys are all so sweet, and even though some aren't mentioned you all have such a big place in my heart. *purr purr* I look like a poddle! Not anymore though.

I've been so alert about getting the driver's licence. I hope my uncle can find a car that I can buy. Well I need the licence first but whatever, it'll come. :)

Hey! I'm training still and last week I did a step test. My pulse was at 133 beats/min I think it was. Going up and down on a board. :) ^___^ Now I'll have to loose weight and get a better condition. :) Yay ya yayayay! ^___^

*hug*

I'm going to make it...

...I can really feel it. Even though I'm a little down now, a good song can help me. There it is. Usher feat. Alicia Keys - My boo I can't stop listening to this song. Such a good song. :)

This week, it has been good. I've been feeling good. As I wrote, I'm a little down at the moment, maybe that's because I haven't been training today. Have to do some sit-ups and stuff. That might cheer me up. ^__^

Thanks you guys for being there for me and listening on my complains all the time. ^_^

I've been out on the roads today, drove around in the car. :P I did good I think. :)

*hugs*

Think I'm on my way...

http://extension_japan.pixbox.se Here you can find a picture of my new hair. The photo uploader isn't working as it should. *mutter*

I can always hope that I'm on my way to the better. You never know really. Sometimes I'm just thinking about what to do with myself. I really don't know if this is normal at times. But you can always hope. ^^

Now I've got to study a little. Can't come after now in school. :P

*hugs* ^^

New haircut!!!

OMG! I love my hair today it's so pretty. My friend Natha took out the synthetic dreads and tadah! A bush of hair on my head. It's huge!

Not so much more to say about today. Just tired. Now movietime!

Tata!

I'll upload a picture when this fucker mucker is working. *unimpressed on internet*

Stupid dreams...

Last night I dreamt... It was a horrible dream, not nice at all. I never in my whole life want to dream it again. I hope it will not hunt me.
My parent screamed, I screamed, everyone screamed and you were just standing there and then disappeared. When I ran after you you hurt me, didn't want to listen to what I had to say. You just judged me and my family, you were so angry that you came forth and you had something in your hand. I thought you were going to hurt me so I hit you in the face. I can remember the anger I had in my body in the dream. I cried, and screamed. It was horrible. Don't ever make me dream it again.

Yet I feel, that I don't ever wish to see him again, I miss him yes and I call him. But I think things like that can never be the same. I need this loneliness. I need the feeling of looking. I just need myself and the people around me. ^_^

Going Under

That's a pretty good song. But whatever. I need something that makes me in a good mood. :)

Damn it I hate to be sick. :( I'm better now though, I'm going to train some today I think. I need it. ^_^ But I'm a little afraid for the physical education tomorrow. We're going to run a lot I've heard. I suck at that. *cries* But I'll do my best!

*hugs*

Happy, is this it?

Today I'm feeling so much better. I'm like shining and smiling all the time. All I can say is thanks to my lovely friends, espacially Cecilia 1 and 2 (CL and CC that is), Jannika, So, Lenno, Håkan Hellström, Alma, Nathalie, Maria and of course lots of other people. Yell at me if I've forgot you. :)
I'm so happy today, I can't wait until I come to school tomorrow so I can hug all of you! Well not all of you, two of you aren't there, and you two, I haven't met you. But you two are soooo cute. *adore you*

Now I shall go out and shop. ^^

Yesterday...

...I freaked out. I got that feeling of loneliness, even though, my friends were all around me, but then again, I got the feeling that I didn't belong there. I was the one who felt lonely in the crowd.

Why am I the one that feels this way, I don't dislike my company, I think they are the best. Maybe it's because I miss that little extra that someone can give. A person who is my other part it doesn't have to be a boyfriend, it could be anyone really.

I just felt so ugly yesterday, not a single person looked at me with an intention to show me that they liked my look. Shallowness isn't what I'm looking for but just one look could be enough for me. That would be what I need.

"We" talked yesterday, things didn't make sense anymore, I didn't want to talk to you, it was too painful. But I didn't know anyone else at the time that could be there for me. Thanks.

When I told a friend of mine that I felt unwanted and ugly, she asked me why, I had to tell her that I was joking and didn't mean what I said, otherwise I'd start crying. I felt the tears in my eyes. I felt that they would come out later, sooner or later that is. I didn't know and just wanted the feeling to disappear. But it will never disappear, not until I'll be able to deal with my problems. What exactly is my problem? What can I do to help myself, what can someone else do for me? I don't know anymore. Take me away...

School day #6

Well, today I've started a new class, again. Webdesign, with a teacher that didn't knew much about it. Even I knew more. *dum dumduuum duuuuuummmm* That's not often at school. Then later we had our first real class with psychology. It's a hard class, but I think it'll be fun.

Now I have to take a shower dear people. ^_^

Have a lovely night!
//Ewelina

Feeling better

I'm on my way now. The whole weekend has been great so far, I'm not feeling bad about seeing people being happy together, I don't feel jealousy nor ignored. Thanks for all your support. I really appreciate all of it.

I'm now thinking about going back to my summerhouse and spend the night there with my mother. :) It's going to be an easy night. :) Time to get new good music for my MP3. *drools* Oh my, it's really lame now. I need to get a new one perhaps, one with better power and with lots of memory. Not like me that is. *lol*

Have a lovely day dear reader. :)

//Ewelina

RadioStar

On the morningshow on the radio they had a contest. The movieriddle, they played 3 songs and you were suppose to guess what movie they were about. I had this theroy. Cold as Ice, and I answered Superman! I even raped and play all hiphopish to get the right explanation. >.< "Snakes on the plane"

Bloody bullshit movie! >.<

I'm such a fool!

First day of my life

I've decided now. I'll start training and it's going to be great I think! I can't wait!

Well that's all for today. ^^

Confused but happy.

I just have to thank Frida for being such a good friend! Who makes me happy at times I feel the worst.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=885112878509896543&q=he+man

http://www.student.oulu.fi/~jppirin/loosteri/batmanlw.swf

http://www.stfd.net/

Check these out for God's Sake!!!


A fucking strange expression. O.o

Extensions!

Yeah, they are all in. Both black and pink. ^^ Too bad my haircolor is darkbrown, should've colored it black instead. >.<>

I'm so sorry for a thing aswell. I still haven't come over the loss of me big love. I'm still confused, I just tell others that everything is ok. I don't want them to worry... Because, I'm all right, I tell myself.

Today I have to maybe return in my sweet mobilephone. *cries* My sweet Motorola V3 Razor pink. Why!?

Hey btw, Corpse Bride by Tim Burton is really a good movie. See that one! It's really good. ^_^

An end to the beginning

I hurt someone today, a person who’ve meant so much to me for the last 2 years. I’m so sorry. It’s just that you didn’t notice the things I needed to hear until it was too late. I never wished that this day would come. I hoped that we’d be happy together for ever. Things you’ve done or said has made me feel so down. It was that way, that I started to think about an end to a happy time. I needed those small things, that look in your eyes that said ”you’re my world”. It’s hard to see in the dark room. I tried to glow as much as I could, but it wasn’t enough. With time I felt more and more sad over some samll things you could say. Either you meant them or not it hurted me, like a knife in my heart. I hate myself for hurting the person that meant the world to me, but I had to do this. I need to find that happiness, that passion for the same things that I love and I needed someone who I knew wouldn’t hurt me. I was so scared that you’d hurt me, just like everybody else.

When we talked, I tried not to cry. It felt so hard inside, I just wanted to shout cause of the pain inside my heart. I know how it is to be hurt, and it has nothing to do with you baby, we’re just too different in many ways. Espacially on those things that I like and you don’t like. I’m sitting here and thinking about what you feel at the moment. I’m so sorry for hurting you like this. That’s why I want us to be friends if you can handle that. I understand if you don’t want that. I won’t speak of things that you don’t want to hear of, I won’t disrespect you. You said the things too late... I can’t turn back now. I have to walk forward. I loved our happy days we’ve had together, I love them more than you might think. I’ll save all the messages and mails you’ve sent to me. They mean the world to me. You meant the world to me. It hurts so much inside, I can’t imagine how you feel right now, even though I’ve been in your shoes. But this is a thing that I have to do. It’s nothing wrong with you, I didn’t say anything that could make you see how bad I felt at times. You were the right for me, you’ve got every ingredience for a perfect man, I just couldn’t make them come out in the light.

I always think the worst at situations, can you imagine how scared I’ve been to have the call we had? Why didn’t you show me that you loved me, why didn’t you say the things I needed to hear, why weren’t you there for me when I needed you the most? Why did you treat me like anybody else at times? I didn’t want this. But I still want you there as my friend... I want you to understand that I also need the time alone and to find myself. I don’t know what will happen with time. Maybe I need to grow and try my wings a little bit more? You made me feel special and you made me brave. You made me feel loved again. But now I need myself, I’m egoistic I know but I think that’ll make me feel better about myself again.

Please don’t be angry at yourself, please don’t hate yourself or the things you’ve done. It’s my fault too as much as it’s nobody’s fault as it is your fault. You can’t blame yourself for this. I’ve made this desition by myself. No one around me has said what to do. I’ve decided by myself.

Time will tell what will happen in the future. Right now I’m just sorry...

The thing is, I’m asking myself if it was the ”right” decision, and yet I don’t know that. It depends on who I ask, but when it comes to asking myself I can’t answer. Will it help if I give it some time or will I still be like this, unwise and confused. I just can’t stand myself at the moment.

I was so unsure about everything, his feelings about me and it was worth it to be hurt and sad over and over again cause of my paranoia. I can’t sit and wait for things to happen, espacially not when I’ve planned them. I know I’ve been busy for a while now, but it never made me stop missing you. I don’t want to be threaten like everyone else, not when I’m with you. I want to be your glow just like you’ve been my glow and at times my darkness...

I’m waiting for that call...

Fucked up

Why? Why is it so hard to know where your heart is at? Why can't something happen that'll make everything be so clear so it's obvious? I hate these unsure feelings... No one understands...

I wish I was more like Fabio. *lol*

Anyways, to some happy news. I just sent away an email to a girl who might be able to fix my hair. Dreads that is. Moaahahaha! That'll be sooo cool! ^^ Hope that it'll turn out to be a happy thing and good-looking! XP

The Crazy girl called me

Somehow...
...I feel empty when I think of a perticular person. I wish I wouldn't feel that way so often, but what can I do to help that huh? Wonder how many I you'll find in my blogs. *lol*

Is it just me, or can the person help or do something about it? Maybe I wouldn't feel empty so many times if the person did do something... Of course not... It's all because of me. Me and my stupid brain who think too much. Lately I've been feeling so down. It might've been because of me working so much. I'm not complaining, I'm earning money. MOHAHAHA!

I just wish I wouldn't feel this way so often. What if I've done something about it the first time it happened? What if I wouldn't have been like this now, what if I wasn't so stupid. v_v